Soo I’m not staying in Port Melbourne anymore…things didn’t exactly work out with the guy whose apartment I was sharing.
Nothing bad happened, it just wasn’t…right, for lack of a better word.
I’m totally fine. As you can scroll down and see, I spent yesterday reading inspirational quotes at livelifehappy.com. I also did some introspective writing and took a long, cliche walk on the beach blasting Kelly Clarkson. (I’m aware this all may sound like I’m on the verge of a breakdown, but I promise I’m not.)
The old me would have stayed and taken advantage of the free accommodations and kindness that was being offered…but the fact that I couldn’t…that I wasn’t satisfied with something that wasn’t right…that I’d rather keep searching than be “comfortable enough”…it all made me realize that not only do I want to be in a relationship, but I’m ready, too.
I’m aware this is a perfectly normal feeling for a lot of people, but I haven’t felt “ready” enough to make that statement in four years.
I was so traumatized from losing myself in a past relationship that I spent the better half of my 20s cultivating an intense independence that has somehow led me here: on the other side of the world, alone, in Australia.
I’ve been scared of the feelings that I associate with love—terrified of the deep neediness that wanted to swallow my ex boyfriend whole. When our relationship didn’t work out (namely because wanting to swallow someone whole is *not* normal, healthy behavior), I fell apart and had no one to blame but myself.
I never wanted to feel so out of control or lost again. I still don’t. But I’m seeing now that I’ve become independent to a flaw, and that I’ve somehow come to (incorrectly?) identify relationships as a threat to myself—my identity, my sanity…my time.
For me, getting lost in love is scarier than getting lost in the world, which is probably why I am where I am right now.
But, deep dramatic breath, I’m ready for things to be different.
So I’m writing this. And making a commitment to myself to be open to commitment. And putting it out there for any guys reading this who just may be tall, tan, funny and adventurous ;)